


Like it was before

by TangentQueenOfDragons



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 23:43:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4499346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TangentQueenOfDragons/pseuds/TangentQueenOfDragons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You could have stayed with her when she wouldn't get on the pod!" Joker said. "You could have done more!"  </p>
<p>"You could have done something!" Kaidan shot back. </p>
<p>The room fell silent, the kind of heavy silence that fills your lungs and makes it hard to breathe. Joker and Kaidan both looked as if they were going to say something more, but neither of them did. They both turned and walked away, thinking the same thing; it's all my fault. </p>
<p>They didn't speak again for over two years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like it was before

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Kaidan appreciation week on tumblr (whoop). Day 4 was friendship.
> 
> I started this a while ago, and I finally got around to finishing it today haha

 

   Joker was the one who broke the silence.

"Why didn't you make her get in that pod?" he demanded, turning his furious glare on Kaidan.

The Lieutenant looked at him, shocked.

"What?"

"You heard me! You should have made her get in that pod! You let her stay on the ship!"

Kaidan's hurt expression became angry.

" Me? She went back for  _you_ _!_ You should have evacuated like you were supposed to!"

"Stop it!" Garrus snapped. "Both of you! Stop pointing fingers. No one is to blame. Give Shepard the dignity of her choice."

"You could have stayed with her when she wouldn't get on the pod!" Joker said, ignoring Garrus' words. "You could have done  _more!_ " 

"You could have done  _something!_ " Kaidan shot back.

"Enough!" Liara shouted. "If Shepard could see you two right now..."

"Well she can't, Liara, because she's dead!" Joker snapped. 

The room fell silent, the kind of heavy silence that fills your lungs and makes it hard to breathe. Joker and Kaidan both looked as if they were going to say something more, but neither of them did. They both turned and walked away, thinking the same thing; it's all my fault.

They didn't speak again for over two years.

                     ..................................

   "Why are we going to the  cockpit?" Kaidan questioned uneasily, even though he has already guessed why. 

He and Joker had only been in the same room together twice since Kaidan had rejoined the Normandy, and they hadn't said a word to each other. He had been stupid to hope that Shepard wouldn't notice.

   She didn't answer his question, because she knew she didn't have to.

"Joker."

"Hey, Commander." Joker glanced at Kaidan then looked away, nodding. "Major."

"Okay, this stops now. The tension in here is so thick you can cut it with a knife. I don't know what this is about," Shepard lied – she did know; she had already asked Garrus about it - "but it ends now. I want you two to talk it out. EDI, could you come with me?"

"Of course, Shepard," the AI nodded, following her out of the room. The two men were left alone in awkward silence.

   "I guess you should sit down," Joker said eventually, gesturing to the co-pilot chair. Kaidan sat stiffly, wondering how to breach the discussion. 

It was Joker who eventually spoke first.

"It was my fault. What happened. I knew that. But... well, it was easier to blame you than deal with that."

Kaidan nodded. He understood; hadn't he done the same?

"I wanted to get in touch with you," he told Joker. "Send you a message or... something. But I didn't know what to say. The more time that passed, the harder it felt. It was easier to just... not talk."

"Yeah. By the time I thought about it, so much had happened... it was hard for me, afterwards. I'm not trying to say it wasn't just as hard for everyone. I know it was the hardest for you." He sighed. "But first, I lost Shepard. Then I lost my job. Being a pilot is all I've ever wanted. And they took it away." He clenched his fists. That betrayal had never stopped hurting. "But you still had your job. I hated you for it."

"I understand that."

"Then Cerberus contacted me. I didn't go running to them, you know. I turned them down. It wasn't until they told me about bringing Shepard back that I agreed to work for them."

"Why didn't you say anything about that?" Kaidan asked.

"I couldn't."

"Because they wouldn't let you?"

"Because I didn't think it would really work. What good would it have done to get your hopes up? I knew that as long as there was a chance, no matter how small, that I'd never be able to deal with it properly. I was always waiting. I didn't want anyone else to have to wait too."

   Joker's shoulders relaxed, an indication that he had said what he needed to say. 

Kaidan sighed. "I lost contact with everyone. I guess I just couldn't face... anyone who reminded me of her. I just threw myself into my work. I wasn't really living." He shrugged. "I guess that doesn't matter anymore. The point is, any one of us could get killed any day now. I don't want to waste any time I have left with the people who are important to me. That includes you. And I'm sorry. For everything. And for waiting two years to say it."

   A pause. "Uh oh. You're not gonna hug me, are you?" he smirked, and Kaidan laughed.

   It wasn't perfect right away. Of course it wasn't. But they chatted when they ate, and greeted each other in passing. After a few weeks, Kaidan found James and Joker playing cards, and Joker offered to deal him in. By the time they had both lost far too many credits to James, they were laughing together, and it was finally, nearly, like it was before.

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best work, buut I kinda like it? Haha
> 
> Leave me a comment and let me know what you thought :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
